A while back, I tried my hand at journaling.
It was ok. Not overly helpful. I eventually posted most of the entries in a blog. Part of me thought it was a useless process. If I wanted to air my grievances, I did it here.
But I have come to realize that, over the past couple of years, a lot of "stuff" has welled up and I need an outlet that isn't so public as a blog. So, I looked into journaling again.
I recently watched a video from Anna Akana, an actress, model and vlogger? I don't know what titles she would prefer, but she makes videos about mental wellness and I found her entertaining and informative. She talked about journaling, and this time, I actually listened to the purpose of it. This time, it didn't seem as silly as I'm sure some people in my life would say it is.
I think one of the reasons it didn't work for me before was that I didn't take it seriously. I felt it was just a place to vent about the day's events, like daily blogging. Another was I found it hard to say something positive about myself. The more I reflect back on my life, I truly embraced the self-deprecating humour thing, perhaps too much. Plus, seeing myself as less than those around me didn't help either. It wasn't necessarily other people's fault. Not knowingly. But I also never raised myself up. I rarely showed any confidence in myself and my talents. The only glimpses I, and others, had of who I could be, was usually in new surroundings, like college. The reason? Perhaps because, when I was away from the people who knew the old, shy, quiet me, nothing held me back. I blossomed.
The one good thing to come out of the past couple years has been the gradual build-up of my own self-worth. A re-emergence of that "college me", who stepped out of other people's shadows, acknowledged the path I wanted to walk, and actually followed through with my ideals and dreams. There are years of repression and lack of self-confidence to overcome. It is a slow process, but slow progress is still progress.
Even with this progress, there were still a lot of things "in the basement" that needed to be dealt with. Stuff I would not share here. So, I returned to the idea of journaling. Plus, I had purchased a lot of these little books for my Mom that she never got around to use. I couldn't let them go to waste. And she would like me to use them for something positive.
As I write this, it's Sunday morning, February 25th. I started my first journal entry today. When this is posted on Friday, I'll have hopefully added 5 more entries. Each day will include something positive, either about me, the day, or both. It will also include whatever is rolling around in my head, good or bad. But hopefully, it will help me release some of the anger I have felt.
I think anger has been a reluctant passenger for far too long. Thanks to some Stoic philosophy and ideals, I have learned to let go of things I have no control over. But anger still seethes underneath. The disappointments, the isolation, and the expectations that I thought were simple or universal not being met.
Hopefully, with journaling, I can start to dislodge the anger, accept the actions of those around me, and acknowledge my own worth, talent, and happiness.
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